Chapter 1: Why Wasn’t the Tank Filled?
This book is written to help you become aware of what didn’t happen in your childhood, what you don’t remember. Because what didn’t happen has as much or more power over who you have become as an adult than any of those events you do remember.
기억하는 것보다 기억하지 못 하는 부분, 즉 암묵적/절차적 기억이 우리 삶에 더 큰 영향을 미치고 있음을 언급함.
Pure emotional neglect is invisible. It can be extremely subtle, and it rarely has any physical or visible signs. In fact, many emotionally neglected children have received excellent physical care.
정서적 방임은 보이지 않으며 매우 미묘한 형태일 수 있음. 정서적으로 방임되는 아동 중에 상당수가 신체적 돌봄은 잘 받음.
This book is not meant to shame parents or make parents feel like failures. In fact, throughout the book you’ll read about many parents who are loving and well-meaning, but still emotionally neglected their child in some fundamental way. Many emotionally neglectful parents are fine people and good parents, but were emotionally neglected themselves as children. All parents commit occasional acts of Emotional Neglect in raising their children without causing any real harm. It only becomes a problem when it is of a great enough breadth or quantity to gradually emotionally “starve” the child.
이 책의 목적은 부모를 비난하고자 함이 아님. 많은 부모가 자녀를 사랑하지만 그 자신도 아동기에 정서적으로 방임된 적이 있다면 은연중에 정서적으로 방임적인 태도를 자녀에게 취할 수 있음. 하지만 이러한 태도가 아동 양육의 상당 부분을 차지할 때만 문제가 됨.
There is a minimal amount of parental emotional connection, empathy and ongoing attention which is necessary to fuel a child’s growth and development so that he or she will grow into an emotionally healthy and emotionally connected adult. Less than that minimal amount and the child becomes an adult who struggles emotionally–outwardly successful, perhaps, but empty, missing something within, which the world can’t see.
자녀의 건강한 인격적 성숙에 필요한 최소한의 부모-자녀 정서적 유대를 충족시키지 못할 때, 그 자녀는 겉으로는 성공적으로 보여도 속은 공허하고 무언가 중요한 것을 결여한 채 자신의 감정을 힘들어하는 어른으로 자랄 수 있음.
Looking at emotional health through the lens of attachment theory, we can identify three essential emotional skills in parents:
1) The parent feels an emotional connection to the child.
2) The parent pays attention to the child and sees him as a unique and separate person, rather than, say, an extension of him or herself, a possession or a burden.
3) Using that emotional connection and paying attention, the parent responds competently to the child’s emotional need.
But if there is an absence of such validation of a child’s importance to the parent, if a child is made to feel shame for wanting or needing attention from one parent or the other often enough, she will grow up being blind to many of her own emotional needs.
자녀가 중요하게 여기는 부분에 대한 타당화가 이루어지지 않을 때, 그 자녀는 부모의 관심을 필요로 한다는 데 대해 수치심을 느낄 수 있음. 스스로의 정서적 욕구를 알아차리기 어려운 사람으로 자랄 수 있음.
In this book, the goal is not to blame the parents. It is only to understand our parents, and how they have affected us.
이 책의 목표는 부모를 비난하고자 함이 아님. 우리 부모를 이해하고 그들이 우리에게 어떤 영향을 미쳤는지 이해하고자 이 책을 썼음.
댓글